New Year's Eve

It's New Years Eve. A time to reflect on the past year and think of the future. It seems this year more than any other there is much to think of. The past year has held many emotions for me. Overall it has been a wonderful year, filled with love and goodness. AJ's diagnosis of apraxia has been the toughest part and that just occurred leaving me with so many mixed feelings.

I am happy that we have an answer and an idea of what needs to be done to help the situation. I am saddened that it is as serious as it is and that he will be challenged by this, potentially for the rest of his life. I am angry that others didn't take my concerns more seriously and that I didn't force the issue. If I had he may have had even more of a head start on intervention. I am worried that I don't know everything I need to in order to give him the best chance possible to overcome this challenge. I am frustrated by his father's refusal to acknowledge the need to "label" him as a special needs child for fear that it will be a convenient "excuse" for anything that doesn't work out for the rest of his life. I am thankful that AJ is not apparently suffering any of the other challenges that can accompany apraxia and that he is otherwise a bright and healthy, loving boy. I feel guilty for any sorrow I have since there are so many families facing much worse than this.

I know not what the future will hold for my sweet boy. I have had a slight glimpse, thanks to the information others have provided. I foresee challenges, hard-work, and frustrations mixed with successes. I hope there will be increased confidence for my sweet little guy. New friendships and support for him. An increase in the number of people who can understand him. I hope that he will remain thoughtful and creative and a great problem solver.

I hope that I can balance my need to learn everything about apraxia and my dedication to getting him all the help he needs with being a good mom to my daughter and a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt and girlfriend to the other people in my life. I can easily see myself focusing on what seems the most urgent and immediate need, AJ's apraxia, and not giving everyone and everything the attention they deserve.

I want to be sure that apraxia is just another part of AJ and not the thing that defines him or his life. This may prove harder than I think because it effects his ability to relate to the world and so many of us define ourselves in terms of our relations to others. I want to take charge of the apraxia and not have it control us.

I guess the thing I want most of all for 2008 is persepctive. The ability to remember that while this seems overwhelming, it just is. There are reasons for everything in my belief system and, while I have yet to understand them in this case, I am sure there is one for this as well. I wish therefore for the wisdom and grace to accept this and to move on, doing what must be done, staying strong and knowing that in the end, it will all be okay.